What he says boils down to “I was eavesdropping your conversation, and I assume you’re desperate. You might as well lower your standards — date someone random you have no connections with, like me.” It’s bad; not bad enough to deserve that rude reply, but still bad.
A better approach would be to try to pick up a woman who’s alone, offer her a drink*, chitchat a bit, and then ask her for a date. With no references to what she said to other people. Creating some connection between him and her, before he asks her out.
*always ask the bar workers to bring it. Don’t bring it yourself.
Nah its not creepy. Its perfectly fine to ask her out like that she just didnt want it and rejected him in a bit of an over the top way. Whole thing is no issue. If you are gonna randomly strike up conversations you will get cooked sometimes.
Asking her out would be fine; the problem, as I already explained, is how. However I do agree with you that her answer was over the top, a simple “No.” would be the best.
Whole thing is no issue.
It was clearly an issue to the Anon, check the last paragraph.
If you are gonna randomly strike up conversations you will get cooked sometimes.
He wasn’t just striking up a conversation.
Additionally (and that’s neither side’s fault), mob mentality is a plague. She was in a group of four people; people typically behave worse in groups than alone.
“I’ve been listening to your conversation” is not a good way to start. There are some exceptions, but even then you’re starting on thin ice and have to ease into it.
You shouldnt have to rehearse the perfect line that is impossible to be offended by just to talk to a stranger. We aren’t robots. We dont always hit 100% of the time. We stumble and overextend. Expectations have gotten out of hand.
you are allowed to stumble on the first line. and it may come off poorly. and if it does the other person is perfectly valid for not wanting to engage further. therefore if you want the other person to continue to engage, you should try not to come off poorly. this isn’t some newfangled social phenomenon, it’s how basic human interaction has worked for millennia
Like there is a practice to maintaining self-control and it works on all levels of the metaphor. Emotional, comfort level, social, whatever. Like I totally agree with you that total perfection is not the goal. But usually its good to demonstrate some composure.
I’ve seen it plenty, plenty times. Because I was looking for it. That was my “plan A” strategy when I still bothered dating; it works great as long as you know to be assertive without being pushy. (Some people want to be left alone, some only want to chitchat, both things are fine and you should respect that.)
My “plan B” was relying on connections, but that relies on luck. For example:
you go to the bar with A
A is acquainted with B, who’s drinking with C
You say “hey, what if we all drink together?”
Then you have some room to at least know B and/or C better. And potentially ask one of them out.
Odds are my “plan B” is not viable for Anon, though - does he even have friends to go to the bar with?
Must be different bars. I see groups of women out but can’t recall any individuals. Plan b has pretty much been my entire strategy my whole life. Just being in places with women and being nice, funny, and non-threatening got me in with a bunch of different groups. Not always a date but they would vouch for me.
It’s not eavesdropping. They were having a public conversation at a fucking bar - a place where plenty of people go in attempts to meet new people… If it was a private convo (one that can be eavesdropped on) that’s different. If it was a private conversation, they shouldn’t have been at a location where it’s normal to try flirting with strangers.
If someone is sitting by themselves at a bar, it should be assumed they’re listening to everything around them unless they’re wearing earbuds. Have some general awareness of reality.
people are also loud as fuck. almost anytime i am at a bar i’m forced to listen to people’s convos because they are SCREAMING at each other. very few people are talking quietly to each other such that you can’t hear them, and if they are doing that, you’re not going to hear them.
of course the obnoxious loud people are the very same type who are going to tell you how creepy it is you are listening to them. the only way you can’t listen to them is if you had noise cancelling headphones in.
you forgot the part where he sat there for 3 hours alone, nervous and sweating, and periodically staring at the women… then he interrupted a group talking to ask on of them on a date, skipping the part where you introduce yourself and other standard interaction where you gauge someone’s interest before asking….
op was probably also extremely obese, had a neckbeard, a fedora, and hasn’t showered in a month….
then he just stood next to them silently shaking, until they paid attention… then he said his line… mumbling, while staring intently at the girl’s breasts….
i made up a lot but the point is there’s a lot more to it than this fictional story lets on…
If you’re trying to say something like “you have connections, unlike all of the dating people”: that is not what I said. Everybody has at least some connections; it’s all about how you use them to know more people.
If you mean something else, please explain - I’m genuinely struggling to parse your sentence.
That’s fair it’s a confusing sentence. My point is that in the modern era more people date people they don’t know on tingerbee vs people they know, so not having a connection isn’t disqualifying.
He’s not a creep, but he has the emotional intelligence of an insurance investigator.
“Hi, you sound needy and vulnerable” is a rough starting point for a pickup line. He clearly didn’t mean it as an insult, but it’s not hard to imagine a woman in that situation being embarrassed, feeling exposed, and being insulted by the implication that this guy might be trying to capitalize on her moment of vulnerability.
Guy’s a creepo, gal puts people down unnecessarily. Both will unwillingly die alone.
Why is the guy a creep?
What he says boils down to “I was eavesdropping your conversation, and I assume you’re desperate. You might as well lower your standards — date someone random you have no connections with, like me.” It’s bad; not bad enough to deserve that rude reply, but still bad.
A better approach would be to try to pick up a woman who’s alone, offer her a drink*, chitchat a bit, and then ask her for a date. With no references to what she said to other people. Creating some connection between him and her, before he asks her out.
*always ask the bar workers to bring it. Don’t bring it yourself.
Nah its not creepy. Its perfectly fine to ask her out like that she just didnt want it and rejected him in a bit of an over the top way. Whole thing is no issue. If you are gonna randomly strike up conversations you will get cooked sometimes.
Asking her out would be fine; the problem, as I already explained, is how. However I do agree with you that her answer was over the top, a simple “No.” would be the best.
It was clearly an issue to the Anon, check the last paragraph.
He wasn’t just striking up a conversation.
Additionally (and that’s neither side’s fault), mob mentality is a plague. She was in a group of four people; people typically behave worse in groups than alone.
“I’ve been listening to your conversation” is not a good way to start. There are some exceptions, but even then you’re starting on thin ice and have to ease into it.
You shouldnt have to rehearse the perfect line that is impossible to be offended by just to talk to a stranger. We aren’t robots. We dont always hit 100% of the time. We stumble and overextend. Expectations have gotten out of hand.
you are allowed to stumble on the first line. and it may come off poorly. and if it does the other person is perfectly valid for not wanting to engage further. therefore if you want the other person to continue to engage, you should try not to come off poorly. this isn’t some newfangled social phenomenon, it’s how basic human interaction has worked for millennia
You did a thing where you almost said something but then turned around and didnt.
Tai Chi is all about not overextending.
How does that apply here?
Like there is a practice to maintaining self-control and it works on all levels of the metaphor. Emotional, comfort level, social, whatever. Like I totally agree with you that total perfection is not the goal. But usually its good to demonstrate some composure.
“I couldn’t help but hear your drunken rantings.”
I couldn’t help but overhear you and your loud as fuck, half-drunk friends….
Can’t think of a time where I’ve ever seen a woman at a bar alone.
I’ve seen it plenty, plenty times. Because I was looking for it. That was my “plan A” strategy when I still bothered dating; it works great as long as you know to be assertive without being pushy. (Some people want to be left alone, some only want to chitchat, both things are fine and you should respect that.)
My “plan B” was relying on connections, but that relies on luck. For example:
Then you have some room to at least know B and/or C better. And potentially ask one of them out.
Odds are my “plan B” is not viable for Anon, though - does he even have friends to go to the bar with?
Must be different bars. I see groups of women out but can’t recall any individuals. Plan b has pretty much been my entire strategy my whole life. Just being in places with women and being nice, funny, and non-threatening got me in with a bunch of different groups. Not always a date but they would vouch for me.
It’s not eavesdropping. They were having a public conversation at a fucking bar - a place where plenty of people go in attempts to meet new people… If it was a private convo (one that can be eavesdropped on) that’s different. If it was a private conversation, they shouldn’t have been at a location where it’s normal to try flirting with strangers.
Paying too much attention on the others’ conversations, even in a public environment, is creepy.
If someone is sitting by themselves at a bar, it should be assumed they’re listening to everything around them unless they’re wearing earbuds. Have some general awareness of reality.
people are also loud as fuck. almost anytime i am at a bar i’m forced to listen to people’s convos because they are SCREAMING at each other. very few people are talking quietly to each other such that you can’t hear them, and if they are doing that, you’re not going to hear them.
of course the obnoxious loud people are the very same type who are going to tell you how creepy it is you are listening to them. the only way you can’t listen to them is if you had noise cancelling headphones in.
you forgot the part where he sat there for 3 hours alone, nervous and sweating, and periodically staring at the women… then he interrupted a group talking to ask on of them on a date, skipping the part where you introduce yourself and other standard interaction where you gauge someone’s interest before asking….
op was probably also extremely obese, had a neckbeard, a fedora, and hasn’t showered in a month….
then he just stood next to them silently shaking, until they paid attention… then he said his line… mumbling, while staring intently at the girl’s breasts….
i made up a lot but the point is there’s a lot more to it than this fictional story lets on…
That’s damn many assumptions
Not really assumptions, but how it sounds like, in the context of a social setting. Or, if you want: that’s how people “read” it.
I feel like reading into it would be a better way to put it. Though not sure how different that is from assuming things
As opposed to all of the [dating people you have connections with] that happens all the time these days?
If you’re trying to say something like “you have connections, unlike all of the dating people”: that is not what I said. Everybody has at least some connections; it’s all about how you use them to know more people.
If you mean something else, please explain - I’m genuinely struggling to parse your sentence.
That’s fair it’s a confusing sentence. My point is that in the modern era more people date people they don’t know on tingerbee vs people they know, so not having a connection isn’t disqualifying.
I added brackets to make the noun clearer.
This is stupid and you should feel bad.
You don’t go up to someone and say hey I was listening to you complain about wanting a guy, how about me? and expect a good response.
“hey, I was just reading you complain about someone, fancy going out on a lemmydate* sometime??”
*I don’t actually want to think what a Lemmy date would entail
A nice chat about the merits of Arch Linux and a long kneesock showcase.
sorry m8 u aren’t the one for me 😭
I’m a Lubuntu normie soz
He’s not a creep, but he has the emotional intelligence of an insurance investigator.
“Hi, you sound needy and vulnerable” is a rough starting point for a pickup line. He clearly didn’t mean it as an insult, but it’s not hard to imagine a woman in that situation being embarrassed, feeling exposed, and being insulted by the implication that this guy might be trying to capitalize on her moment of vulnerability.
Hurt-people hurt people.
why do you want me to hurt people though? which people do i hurt?
Dear Hurt-people,
I want to clarify; that was a statement about human nature. It was not, and should not be interpreted as, advice or a call to action.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
dark humor, dark humor.
Because he spoke to a stranger that didn’t want him to speak to them.
Don’t be disingenuous. That is not even remotely close to what I said.
Not bothering further with you.
I guess this means the date’s off and you’re going to die alone?
I don’t know what you said. My response was general.