Edit: People are really making me out to be an evil psychopath with no empathy. I get that you can only tell so much from one post, but it’s incredibly far from the truth. I have people that love and adore in my life and would do anything for. It just takes me a long ass time to get to that point…and as an introvert, my social battery with new people wears down quickly. Online dating is just difficult. I am not rude to others. Conversations just quickly peter out and neither I or my match end up continuing for much longer. The “ghosting” I speak of is often mutual. These aren’t people I’ve interacted with for months that I suddenly stop talking to. It’s chatting for a day or several and then we peter out.
If you think from this small post that I am such a psychopath as to discard a literal child, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just leaping to such wild conclusions that I don’t even know how to respond. I don’t even necessarily want kids…I just want to be able to have the option to.
I’m sorry if this is too odd or specific of a question, but I have a bit of a dilemma.
I live alone. I have some work friends work friends, but they basically stay just friends at work. So I get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I just want to have someone around to do stuff with me. And sometimes I wonder what it might be like to raise a family.
So I occasionally try dating apps. But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
The thing is, I don’t really have much capacity to feel attracted to people. I’m probably somewhere on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums. So you’d think, why date? Just make a friendship then. But there are some things you can’t do with a friend…like raise a family and such.
Plus, I don’t even think I could manage a friendship with how difficult it is for me to like someone. I don’t like anyone I just met. It takes a long time for me to enjoy and appreciate people, and many never actually make it to the point of someone I really like. There have been a couple of times where I have tried hanging out with people as friends and it’s just…kind of dissatisfying to me?? Yet I really like hanging out with certain members of my family. I don’t get it.
Plus like…what are you even supposed to do on a date or on an outing with friends? What are you supposed to say when you’re chatting with a partner? How long and often are you supposed to chat with each other? I feel like I need some sort of a step by step guidebook because I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
Sorry if this is too specific. I’m just wondering if anyone else out there is as confused with human interaction as I am.
Instead of looking for people to date, look for people to be in your DND campaign.
Or else join the 501st legion or something like that.
Main point is that you don’t focus on the dating stuff and instead focus on the social interactions.
Perhaps it’s good to start with finding out why you dislike people so easily, or why spending time with other’s is so dissatisfying.
If you can, perhaps consider talking to a therapist about it. They understand how people work, and can help you figure out why you struggle with connecting.
As for orientation, things just work differently when you’re aroace. I’d say focus on the first part.
It’s not that I dislike them. It’s just that I’m not immediately in love with anyone. Otherwise, I have no affinity for them and socially it’s incredibly draining. People are getting a bit of a wrong idea. I don’t hate people at all. And I actually have the capacity to feel incredibly deep connections to others. It’s just that it takes a long ass time to get there and is usually done passively over the span of many months. I don’t see how any amount of therapy could possibly make me immediately fall in love with anyone.
Thinking you need to immediately fall in love with someone is an issue. That’s not a realistic expectation to put on yourself or them
Thanks, man. I’ve known and seen so many people that do. And even most in the comments here seem to think that I should just never bother to try because I don’t operate that way.
This ^
Your ‘problem’ is thinking that you must fall in love in order to start a relationship. Falling in love might work in the beginnen, but makes it harder in to long run when it wears off. After that you need to invest time and effort to maintain the relationship.
I’m currently in an 8 year relationship with the woman of my dreams. I was happy not falling in love immediately, because love makes blind resulting in making wrong decisions (own experience). After a while I started to appreciate who she was and what she meant for me, then the feeling of love kicked in. This feeling goes up and down which it should, because being in love all the time is something you really don’t want.
Get out there and talk to people, be honest about your feelings and I’m sure you will find the correct person to share your life with and start a family. Love is nice, but not necessary. Good luck.
People rarely fall in love immediately. While love at first sight does happen, it‘s not the norm. Relationships build over time. You start with mutual interest, try to build a friendship and eventually it might click. If you bail before giving it a real chance, then of course, it’s unlikely you’ll build a deep connection with anyone.
This is good to hear, honestly. I felt like I am taking crazy pills a bit when so many people in these comments are saying there is something wrong with me for not being immediately really into someone I just met.
I think one of the difficulties I had is that…maybe a decade ago when I was a lot younger, I had someone who was interested in me. I wasn’t interested in them, but they were nice and so I thought I would maybe try it. We go on a date and it’s going fine but the guy wants to be able to kiss and stuff.
I get that boundaries are a thing and you can tell people no, but… I noticed at that point that most people are sexual. And most sexual people seem to be immediately interested in making out and having sex with someone. I get that not everyone is this way, but the majority of people are because they are driven by sex. So it’s all just a bit confusing and difficult to navigate as someone on the asexual spectrum.
It might help being up front about that to potential partners, be it on an app or on a real life date. It sets the expectations right. And while most people are indeed sexual, there are still a lot who aren’t. You aren’t the only person on the ace spectrum that likes companionship. I’ve even met people who are aromantic and asexual and still have something you could probably consider a relationship, even if there are neither romantic nor sexual feelings involved. There’s a lid for everyone, you just have to meet someone who gets you.
Nobody falls in love immediately. Some people feel like they do, but that’s infatuation. My wife and I dated for 3 months before we ever kissed. You don’t have to rush these things, and it’s almost certainly better if you don’t.
I resonate with most of your post. I deleted and rewrote this 5 different ways because I simply just don’t post on the internet, but I’ve been coming around to the possibility that I’m gay with maybe some demi or ace on the side. As another more eloquent commenter said, I’m not saying that this is the case for you, but it just put things into perspective for me that I may have been unaware of a dimension of myself even in my mid-30s. Hope you have a lovely day.
Also, I like your saying about how everything changes, and to stick it out for the next inevitable change. I added it to my growing mantra list.
You sound exactly like me. I’m neurodivergent and went to therapy and it’s somewhat fixed my issues with anti-social behavior that you seem to have and depression which sounds like you also have.
Would you mind expanding a bit on the anti social behavior and how therapy altered it personally?
Anti-social is very very different than A-social. With the former, a person is deliberately destroying the interactions with others either inadvertently or purposefully. With the latter, one simply does not have well developed social skills.
You are anti social. You need to talk to a fucking therapist. Stop trying to get free therapy from idiots and dipshits from the internet. Go to, and pay, a fucking professional therapist.
I understand. I’m not much for people either. Find groups that focus on in person activities that you enjoy. Find a girl that enjoys those same activities and you both can enjoy those activities together. In person not online, real relationships exist in the real world. Good luck to you.
You sound like you may have some schizoid qualities
You know that raising a family is not mandatory and that nobody is (or should be) forcing you to have one, right?
I don’t even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
You’re supposed to do whatever you want to do that is pleasing or interesting for both. That means that if that activity is not pleasing for you, you shouldn’t do it.
If you don’t like people, you don’t. Forcing yourself to interact with people you’re not interested in is a bad idea.
I’d say if you truly think you want a partner and not just company, then go talk to a therapist about it and work on turning things around.
If you just want company then go get a dog or cat.
Just curious on what you think this needs therapy for? I can’t change my sexual orientation (or lack thereof) and I can’t change my lack of social battery and I can’t magically love people I’ve just met, no matter how much therapy I could possibly have.
Haha I do think about getting a pet sometimes. Although they are a lot harder to travel with than another human being, for example!
If you really want a relationship, you need therapy to figure out some things. Lemmy is not the place. From where we are all sitting, it sounds like you do not want a relationship. Or a healthy one at that
It’s interesting that people are suggesting that I just be alone forever or think that I need therapy to fix my orientation.
I mean, surely I can’t be the only person on the planet that can’t immediately fall in love with people they just met, right??? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here that this is the answer. It takes me a long time to develop those kinds of connections.
No, you don’t need therapy to fix your orientation. You need therapy to get a better understanding of yourself. Your post and replies seem like you don’t actually want a relationship. And I don’t mean sex, I mean a human to human relationship. Like you even say you get tired of potential partners and ghost them and you say it like it’s nothing. That’s hella mean and spells out that you either don’t recognized how mean it is, or you do and you aren’t actually interested in people in general. If you just wanna talk to people for a little bit with such a short battery, then normal friendship would suffice.
No one’s asking you to fall in love. We’re saying you gotta reavaluate your wants.
Oh please, I’m hardly the only one that ghosts people on these sites. Half of the time, the other person stops talking and ghosts me instead. Online dating is a different sort of beast and it’s difficult to wade through it. I’m more than polite and friendly in person.
Hell, I’d actually like it if there was a way to set up in person dates with asexuals. It’s just difficult considering how rare asexuals are to begin with.
Look, I don’t hate or dislike you. And I’m sorry if I came off as mean. Maybe you don’t need therapy, maybe you do. But I do stand by that you need to take a hard look at what you really want. Because on one hand you talk about how you can’t stand talking to people consistently for more than a few weeks. On the other you really want a relationship, or something similar.
Asexual is indeed a rare sexuality, but asexual and lacking the battery to deal with people more than a few weeks at a time is even rarer. You can’t have any sort of a family (that you mention on the post) with that sort of problem which is why I suggest therapy. Someone to get to know you and professionally align you to what you really want and need.
People do ghost others all the time. I’m not focusing on others though. I’m only mentioning it because it’s something you mentioned and not a good way to end a relationship. That’s not a healthy way to end the relationship and shows a lack of consistency in what you are trying to achieve.
Internet strangers can only provide so much insight here. I don’t wanna hurt you in any way, I do hope you find someone you don’t want to ghost at all. You’re ace, so I would try instead asking around for ace communities. They can at least get you on one track that you’re looking for.
Oh please, I’m hardly the only one that ghosts people on these sites. Half of the time, the other person stops talking and ghosts me instead.
Looks like you need therapy for your lack of empathy. “At least half of the other people are assholes too” is a piss poor excuse for being an asshole yourself.
Your whole post is a big, glaring, flashing red flag. It makes it pretty clear that in a potential relationship of two people, only your feelings are important to you. Definitely not good friend material and you sure as shit shouldn’t be raising children.
They don’t deserve these kind of insults. They came here for help. They didn’t kick a child. Saying stuff like you’re saying is rougher, meaner, and more unhelpful than you might think it is.
But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
I’m not one to tell somebody they shouldn’t feel annoyed, or tired, or bothered, but it sounds like you’re not satisfied with how things are going for you, and I’ve italicized three things above you should take a hard look at if you’re interested in any kind of change.
Recognize that you don’t have to feel annoyed. Feeling annoyed or bothered is often what we feel if we have fears, anxieties, or expectations that aren’t being met, and you can actually learn to let all of that go and just be present in the moment, if you want to.
Also, you identified yourself that you “act like a dickhole,” so stop it!
Try to meet people irl. There are lots and lots of people. Try to let your barriers down, meaning approach people with no expectations, no judgment, and unconditional positive regard. Ask people questions about themselves. You’ll be flabbergasted how easily you can make connections if you do these things.
I know you italicized it to tell me I need to change, but my point in saying it was to demonstrate that I don’t have the stamina to get past the “getting to know you” stage of meeting someone. It takes me literal months to start to like people (and some people I never end up meshing with). Before then, any sort of interaction with someone new is just unpleasant and catastrophically draining to me, to the point where I do not wish to continue.
I wish I could say that I could flip a switch and just be engaged with strangers or have greater stamina to do so, but my brain just doesn’t operate that way.
I find it much easier to develop a kinship at places like work. I don’t have to be constantly forcing myself to get to know and like people people, as it just happens gradually and naturally over time through exposure. Dating is the polar opposite of that.
Dating is the polar opposite of that.
I feel like you feel that you should do that. Ask yourself why.
Well…I hadn’t wanted to for the first 3 decades of my life. But through the years I’ve had some friends go. And I’ve realized that to any friend, I will never be as important as their own family. And that’s perfectly understandable. It would be delusional to think that I should be more important than say, someone’s children, for example.
With a life partner, they are your #1 priority and you are their #1 priority. You are meant to be equals. And you’re supposed to stick with each other for life. I get that it’s not necessarily a fairy book that turns out this way, but at least you have a partner in crime. It gets lonely sometimes to be alone.
But then the question is what do you want? If you want something out of life that you’re not getting, you’re going to have to start by identifying and changing something about yourself that’s creating that barrier for you. Otherwise, keep everything the same and either keep feeling dissatisfied or work on accepting things just as they are.
I disagree with you wholeheartedly that getting to know someone gradually and naturally over time through exposure at work is very much different than dating. They’re actually really similar, as is all relationship building. A big difference here is chatting online vs irl. Are you actually going on dates in real life, or are we just talking online here? Those are very different things
I’ve just been talking online. It’s tricky because the dating pool for asexuals is so small. So the asexuals that respond to me unfortunately never end up in my local area. I do agree that seeing someone irl would probably work out better for me, but as of yet I’ve yet to mutually connect with someone physically close to me. It’s my ultimate goal though is to find someone close enough that I can meet up with.
I want a life partner. Ultimately, I will never be as important to my work friends as they are to me. They all have family which obviously comes first. It’s totally understandable and I get it. It would be insane to think that I should come before my friend’s husband and children. I’m not delusional. But I want someone who is on the same level of the relationship as me. Someone who I am as important to them as they are to me. Someone to spend my life with.
My og advice still stands, you’ve got to meet people in real life. You need to develop enough confidence to approach people in public settings to strike up conversations, and put yourself in situations where you see people regularly, like a meetup or hobby group. A ton of people I know met their significant others through friends. Meeting and making friends will broaden your social circle, which will open up options for you.
Do you ACTUALLY want a life partner, or do you feel your life is lacking something, and you suspect that a life partner would fill that hole?
Just kick the idea around for a bit. If getting to know someone is that painful, then why would you pursue a situation where they are ever present in your life?
You’ll know you’re ready for a relationship when you find yourself NEVER getting tired of talking to someone and wanting to go out of your way to spend even more time with someone. Now, you probably don’t think you’ll ever feel that way, maybe not, but that’s ok too. It just means you don’t need anyone right now, and trying to claim someone as yours just so you can check a box on a list of things that make other people happy isn’t going to help.
You’ll know you’re ready for a relationship when you find yourself NEVER getting tired of talking to someone and wanting to go out of your way to spend even more time with someone
This is a bot too far in the opposite direction to be an absolute for everyone. There are a lot of people including myself who do want to spend the vast majority of time with someone, but still get tired of talking to anyone at all and just want some time to my own thoughts. It isn’t much time, but it is more than zero.
Heck, it is nice to just be in close proximity with someone and do our own separate things aometimes.
Oh, absolutely. I meant it as a litmus test for relationships. It’s not an all the time forever thing, but especially in the beginning.
Reading OPs comments felt like the butterfly meme: “Someone I can’t stand interacting with” “Is THIS a life partner?”
My cousin has this sort of relationship with her husband. They actually are generally off doing their own thing most of the time. But their relationship is very healthy and they have a great life together. It’s interesting seeing the spectrum of relationships that I see… with some couples seeming to be glued together at the hip, and some just coming together now and then. I guess I’m just a bit more of a standoffish type in general.
Someone who I am as important to them as they are to me. Someone to spend my life with.
But if you don’t like people, what’s the purpose of having this? A merely pragmatic reason is insulting for the other person.
I feel like a lot of people in these replies are getting the wrong idea. I don’t just hate everyone. There are people in my life that I care very deeply about and love spending every moment I can with them.
BUT it takes me a long time to get to know people to the point that I feel that way about them. And for many, I don’t ever feel that way about them.
I can’t just flip a switch and adore someone immediately without taking forever to get to that level. It takes a long ass time for me to develop that kinship. It happens passively when you see someone often for unrelated reasons (like for me, at work…I get to know people over time without the stamina struggle of constantly forcing a relationship). But in dating, that’s the sole focus.
And what happens when you start a family and then… get tired of them? Get annoyed by them? Children can be absolute twats, and it takes them a long time to grow up. We all have low points with our spouses. Those kinds of relationships take a lot of social stamina, which you claim you don’t really have. Think about what it might do to your child if things don’t work out the way you planned. Let’s say you don’t feel the kind of love for them that you expected to. What would stop you from ghosting them, either emotionally or physically?
On the one hand, I firmly believe that whatever attributes you have, there are people who want exactly that. On the other hand, the less popular those attributes are, the fewer people there are who want them. You apparently need someone who leans towards sexuality, is patient enough to deal with someone who is somewhat antisocial, and is willing to put up with kind of rude things like being ghosted or whatever, but is interested in reading a kid with someone like that. That’s a tiny percentage of people. You didn’t mention if you have other qualities that would be really attractive to people and might help balancing things out.
So what you do is just keep plugging at it, while understanding that it’s probably going to be a long search.
Lol. I wasn’t looking to make this into a dating ad for myself. So no, I didn’t list my positive qualities. I was just explaining my difficulties with dating in general and that I’m a bit confused as to how the whole thing works for everyone.
Oh, I understood, just saying that all we heard was a bunch of negatives for most people, and I’m trying to recognize that they might be somewhat balanced by some positives.
For most attributes, most people fall somewhere within normal tolerances. People might lean towards being introverted or extroverted, have sex as a higher or lower priority, etc., but they aren’t that far away from a midpoint. You have some attributes that you’re way out at the 90+ percentile, and that means your experience is likely going to be different from most people’s.
That’s probably pretty frustrating. You’re as deserving of happy, rewarding relationships as anyone, but like the guy with the size 16 shoe, you’re going to be harder to fit than most.
You’re only thinking about it from your own selfish perspective. Why the fuck would someone want to raise a family with someone who is aromantic and asexual. It’s obvious you both crave people and can’t stand them at the same time. That’s not a burden you should try to put on some one.
You’re right. Aro ace people should just kill themselves I guess?
