Yeah, the past 8ish months have been quite a Rollercoaster for me. I was stupid, didn’t use protection, and was only told she wasn’t on birth control a week after. The mother is 5 years older than me. I’m almost in my mid 20s and plan on staying with my parents while I finish school and work part time jobs to at least be able to support the kid financially. I don’t have the best relation with the mother, but yeah…all the more reason to be very selective about who you sleep with yall…

I’ve cried in the past few days and it’s been the first time in a while. I thought about bailing, I thought about being distant and just sending child support, and I’ve just been reading through reddit entires about parents in the same situation. There were fathers who came back into their kid’s lives and became great fathers, unrepentant deadbeats who skipped town completely, fathers forced out of their kid’s life by various factors, and those in between who were struggling with their lives and needed to fix things first or maybe couldn’t. I can’t judge the deadbeats because I came this close to being one I suppose. I was somewhat indifferent to having a child, but I guess here I am now.

My therapist & friends have been a great help in listening to me, and today, I finally have to tell my parents who are rather religious. I don’t know how or what I’ll say, but I think text. I’d be too horrified to say it with my voice and have tk hear what would be said on the phone. Seems stupid, right? I just became a father and have to raise a child for the rest of my life and I’m worried about how my mother will react to me. I plan on staying at their place until I can at least finish college, get an education, and get on my feet…

I have no intentions of moving in with the mother/ entertaining a relationship with her, but I want to try to ensure my care for the child outweighs my dislike of the mother. I feel like a total fool and a failure for putting myself in this position and I don’t know…

My mother is still asleep and just hearing her phone ringtone go off sets off so much unease in me. It feels like such a sinking feeling inside of me…

Thanks for listening, friends