Yeah. Honestly, I don’t blame you. I have like 3 friends that are guys. Each in stable relationships. Each very respectful people.

Personally? Another reason I haven’t had the balls to try and meet women is because of what “masculinity” is. It’s wrong. That’s what it is.

Just like no one can choose their identity or their sex assigned at birth, I can’t choose the fact that I feel natural in my body as a male and im attracted to women. But I can’t fulfill the image that is expected of men. Not amongst men, and not amongst women. If loneliness is the curse I get, then so be it. It’s better than being someone I’m not.

Yeah, I get that. I’ve just never heard of it until now, or I was blissfully not thinking about it.

Look my marriage was awful. First, she had undiagnosed ASD. She didn’t do much in terms of the therapy she did get. I knew it, of course, looking back at it.

Problem was she was hot. Like really stupid hot. So I believed everything she told me and did everything she wanted. We barely had sex, and it turned into a drug she’d dose me with to keep me addicted. She hated it, until we were in our 20s and was able to get drunk enough overcome her anxieties (which turned out to be a combination of sensory issues and black & white thinking caused by ultra conservative religious background) but still lucid enough to be aware and communicative.

She was constantly angry and frustrated that I wasn’t doing enough. I worked full time after graduating college, she didn’t. She was incredibly jealous of my friends. Pushed a lot of them a way. Reminded me constantly that I’m not manly, not strong, not fabulously rich, not handy.

Then, after we had a kid, shit got way worse, I gained weight, she got a job, met someone - I still don’t know who - and when I took my son with me to visit family she cheated on me. She left her computer on while she went somewhere on my birthday, and I saw the messages. I moved out a month later and on Valentine’s she confessed everything and more than I wanted to know. Including the missing protection. Eventually we decide to work it out, she claims she didn’t want to. I went through therapy, we maybe slept together twice in 3 years, and after we had spent a year in couples counseling, I catch her sexting the same dude again. After she started to refuse to hand me credit card statements for me to pay.

We’re finally divorcing, we’ve been separated for over a year. But I still care about her because she’s the mother of my boy and putting this all together is just warping my mind in ways I thought I had moved beyond.

I just feel like I could have done better. I feel like there was something I could have done to make things easier, or right, or something so that none of what happened did, but then she went back to him anyway. To make it worse, I make so much more money than her, I’m the one that has to pay for everything. She has an affair, but is essentially raped, goes back to the same guy, and I have to pay the consequences. All of them. The suffering with the knowledge of what happened, the stress with work (oh God that’s another thing), the anger my boy has at me for moving out, the incredible amount I have to pay just to divorce her and afterwards.

I lost weight. Im down to 200 lbs at 6foot. I didn’t want to find out I had a huge dick compared to him but I did. I’m technically successful. Sure. But still being this hurt this long after and something this small triggering the who damn thing again. Really feels like I’m the one who got raped. I know that’s not fair. I wasn’t. But therapy clearly hasn’t done enough. I’m not ready to go out and meet people. I don’t even know if I’m a good dad she might be right about that too.

Ugh

Sorry. I don’t actually expect anyone to read this whole thing but I guess I needed to say it

That’s great, but then how do we know that the grammar matches what we want to do - with some sort of test?

The core language model isn’t a nueral network? I agree that the full application is more Markov chainy but I had no idea the LLM wasn’t.

Now I’m wondering if there are any models that are actual neutral networks

Oh, well, that’s good, because I have a ton of people who work with Angular and not React.

Ha

None of us would have jobs

Well, duh, that’s why I was surprised that there is another term for it.

It’s not consent. That means my ex was fucking raped and she was so far down the denial hole to the point of blaming me for it. I was in denial. 5 fucking years ago she told me about that. I believed her that it was an accident and it did just slip off. But now I know it’s a thing that guys actually do and Jesus

It’s really fucking me up right now. She didn’t get any diseases or get pregnant but shit, that’s not ok

Like goddamn I don’t know

Stealthing?

Is that where they don’t put it on or pretend it comes off or some stupid shit?

I’m… Yeah. Im Not ok now. My ex gave me way too many details about when she cheated on me and now I realize just how stupid I was staying with her as long as I did.

God fucking damnit. I mean I get it. Yeah, there’s a noticable difference. But Jesus fucking Christ its rape at that point. I just

Goddamnit fuck men. Fuck all’ the bastards that think they can do whatever they want with women. It’s not right, I don’t care how much hate I get for it. I might be a man, I might be straight as anyone can be. But no one deserves the shit that the patriarchy has created, and every day I seem to learn something new. It’s bad enough that I don’t conform to the “manly” image of being handy, strong, or arrogant, or sporty.

What a great time to be alive. Well except for the not having a partner. And being too timid to meet someone. And the whole rise of Nazis.

Ok so maybe not that great, but it’s a thing that’s cool.

See i didn’t have that experience. I come from a long line of electrical engineers, and went to a Catholic private university.

The EEs, save for my mother, are ultraconservative. So I knew what to expect. I went for computer engineering, so my first job out of college was in a contract design services company that was mostly old white men.

When I got into my current career, which became entirely software focused, I was surprised to see such an array of conservatives, but found many more progressives than previously.

What I have observed in my 12 years of career is that the conservative individuals are very rigid black and white thinkers. In fact, when my cousin was diagnosed with autism, my uncle remarked that it was pretty weird that every engineer he met seems to fall into that diagnosis. There was already a quiet joke in the family that what they now call Autism was what they called engineers in the 60s-80s.

That’s not to say autistic individuals are more likely to be conservative - but almost every conservative engineer I know falls right into this description. Interestingly, I know that ASD also has a large crossover with the LGBTQ+ community. It would make sense to me then, that this “programming socks” meme started.

It all seems to be based around who can accept change and who cannot. This, to me, explains why there are far more progressive programmers than conservative, and the opposite is true for other engineering fields.

Ah. Ok. To each their own.

Weird that I haven’t heard about it until now tho. It’s been my experience that an uncomfortable amount of software engineers are fairly conservative, but that’s more likely because of being in the Midwest.

Alright. I don’t get it

“Stop trying to pull me off. The headaches are because you keep trying to separate us.”

If by MAPS you mean ‘mind-altering-psychoactive-substance’ no. Just regular hypnotherapy. With scripts and calm music and all.

I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD prior to it, so I sort of chalk it up to my wild as shit imagination doing crazy stuff with the prompts. I was probably 14 at the time?

It’s also only happened once, was pretty damn vivid, but more fascinating than creepy.

The thing said to me “stop trying to pull me off. The headaches are because you keep trying to separate us.”

How crazy would it be if it was those tentacled creatures that talked to me during a hypnosis session

Yeah, i don’t recommend it.

I’m pretty sure it’s temporary, as I’ve felt small bits of stress.

I’m also concerned about the effect it’s had on problem solving. Mostly that some things that just don’t make sense I don’t bother learning more like I used to.

Well, that’s kind of tricky. I landed face first on ice. Must have stepped on glare ice and ate shit.

Forehead was all cut up and it hurt the most between my eyes for about a week and a half. It was actually bad enough that they made me take off work.

Uh

Well, i probably don’t recommend this, but a concussion I had a few weeks ago seems to have really helped

I would share this with my dev team

But the teams “scrum guide” and “product owner support” are on the chat and it would get my ass fired

Oh that’s neat. That makes me feel a lot better. I mean I get that the systems were probably embedded and that everything was defined, but it’s relieving to hear that a segmentation fault or dangling pointer would generally be avoided.