Hey there, I’m glad you wrote more in detail and are willing to analyze and process these things. When I read your first comment Wednesday it made me finally make a lemmy account because I wanted to say something supportive but helpful, but I never got around to it.

Your experience with this person really shows that you understand the things that can help you in finding a partner, but just need more “practice” and more being yourself.

Being “your authentic self” is important, and perhaps you were trying too hard to be flirtatious and sexy on the phone/text, and when she met you in person and you weren’t able to back that up, she may have lost that connection. If you had been less flirtatious and more up front about your experience, maybe she would have a different perspective on who you really were.

It sounds like you’re on the right track. It’s lame but if you can follow a pattern with your experiences in person it can help. First date = coffee shop or bar. If it’s going well get ice cream or do something else at a different place. If you aren’t feeling it, call it a day. Mark Manson wrote that if you can take them to multiple places in one day it is almost like having multiple dates. Second date = dinner and something interesting. Third date = invite them over or plan a way to get them into a bed… if she wants you that’s the best time to do make it happen.

Women also like some suspense. Don’t force them to decide on the relationship too soon. "Will you be my valentine sounds like a “I want to define the relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend”. She may have been dating around and wasn’t ready for that, but might have been willing to be more casual. Just assume she’d be up for that and plan something and ask her.

Also, when you do get them into bed, my personal tip is don’t rush to the sex unless they are clearly trying to. If you can make her come (read about that kind of stuff), before you even get to the penetration, she’ll be satisfied even if you have no idea how to get it in.

Source: 39, married a tinder date from 8 years ago, virgin until 22, first dates of various qualities in my life.

You want bugs? Drive through Florida.

About 6-9 years ago, I made an acquaintance through events in town who created a unique meetup group. I think he was in grad school, he wasn’t from the area originally. He started a group of people meeting at a bar called The “BarNameHere” Experiment via a mailing list and just invited people and told them to bring a friend. Sometimes there was a theme or a game. Sometimes 5 people showed up sometimes 30.

Anyway, it felt like the perfect way to create your own friend circle by providing a place for people to meet new people etc. I guess you need some charisma to be that person but imagine dropping everything, moving to a new place, finding a chill bar you can get people to gather at, and literally just invite random people to bring their friends and make it happen every week. It’s an Experiment. Like can you create a friend circle out of nobody?

Other people in the thread discuss the concept of losing our “third-places”. And then some people are out there are creating third places for themselves out of thin air. Not easy to do but it’s a concept that can work like you said:

Just invite everyone you know to yours and tell them to invite who they know. As long as you meet someone new then your circle is growing.