Hey, just wanted to check in, and let you know that what you said really affected me, and helped me to finally end the relationship.

We had had many open discussions about his many betrayals; we were even doing weekly couples therapy, and he had begun individual therapy. He would do and say the right things each time, for a minute anyway, and out of desperation, loneliness, fearfulness in the face of illness, I would take him back.

Except it never lasted, and every time, every fucking time, it turned out to be lies. The kicker was that as I grew increasingly angry and resentful, and began showing it and standing up to him, the love-bombing evaporated and he turned nasty. The last few weeks were a whirlwind of crazy making and gaslighting, descending into blatant character assassination.

He took to trashing every tender memory, all the sacred moments when he had cared for me, all that had kept me bonded. He now went on and on about how I had just been taking advantage of him, I was selfish, I was greedy.

The truth is, I’m a person with perilously low self esteem, who tries to disappear and constantly gives too much; it is a struggle for me to ask for or accept help. But he called me “a professional victim” and “a whiner.” He knew just how to cut me to the core.

The closer I got to ending it, the deeper he stabbed. And yet- he really seemed to think we had a future together.

In the end, his sickness was blindingly clear, even to my blinkered eyes. He was flashing from sweetness to contemptuous rage at a moment’s notice- I was walking on eggshells and living in a state of high anxiety.

Thank God I’d been working on my social network, been forced to with the crisis of cancer. I started telling people what was going on. I had a couple of friends now, a therapist. On a whim I spoke the truth here.

And everyone said: Go, get out, save yourself.

It’s taken me many tries, but I did it. He’s blocked on everything, and I’m getting through each day with the conscious knowledge that I’m quitting a dangerous addiction. Lots of distraction, much reaching out for help and support. I spend time each day reminding myself of the horror. Still sometimes I miss him so terribly. Thank God my head is still ringing with so many horrible things he said.

I feel like I’m going to make it. Thank you, kind stranger, for your piece in showing me the way out.

Why is my first response, “Oh, thank god”

What do you mean by toxic in the second half of friendship? I’m genuinely curious about this pattern you’ve observed

Thank you. It’s my choice, I know, but I feel weirdly helpless about it.

Couple of good reasons.

The sex is really good and enjoyable, and plentiful. I have a high sex drive and it’s been a struggle to find someone who’s a god match for both the rather extreme amount and style that I’ve always wished for. (Could be part of the addiction?)

The really big one is that I’ve been going through cancer all year. And he ran toward me, not away. He nursed me after surgery so tenderly, kindly, lovingly. I’ve never in my life known anything like it. He knows all the bullshit and details about the whole experience. We have gone through it all together. I was helpless for a chunk of it, terrifying to someone like me who couldn’t ask for help. I have never in my life felt so safe and cared for. Oddly enough he says he looks forward to caring for me like that again after the next surgery. It’s stunning.

I suppose it’s bought my undying loyalty. I only wish it went both ways.

Also, I’m basically a deeply lonely person. I had a cold, cruel family of origin, pretty extreme combo of neglect and emotional abuse. I’ve made poor choices in my life romantically, always choosing selfish people and trying to ignore my own needs too, which I’m very good at. This guy is selfish, but also loves to care for me quite selflessly. It’s bewildering and humbling and welcome like rain in the desert.

My cheating boyfriend. I should dump his ass but i keep going back. It’s just like some kind of terrible drug addiction, where i keep sabotaging my life and giving endless resources down a black hole at the expense of everything else, especially myself; my friends are at a loss and growing tired of the cycles of nonsense. It’s killing my self respect and self esteem