A few days ago i made a post about me starting working at a factory, grad has been very kind in providing messages of support and tips on how to deal with physical exhaustion and keeping healthy.
today, i don’t know what to do or to think, im one week in and seriously thinking in quitting, can’t take anymore, not so much about physical exhaustion, but mentally, even cried in the bathroom today.
and that is what is bothering me, how to come to terms with being so weak. im not trying to make anyone fell pity or something, especially when we still have colonies where things are hardcore and palestinians getting massacred.
like, idk what to do, i can’t do mental work because i can’t get a fucking job in it, and I’m not handling physical work, and confused about how being weak and not even capable of taking care of myself and handle a job, and be useful in a revolution or be up to the same level of many brave people fighting for the rights to exist, or something as simple as following party discipline.
sometimes i which i could just cease to exist, that way would stop being dead weight and not smudge the good name of our comrades.
edit: i am really moved by your kindness, i will answer each soon.
Sounds similar to some stuff I’ve been trying to make more conscious and confront, which is to do with the expectations I have of myself and how realistic or healthy they are. A big one for me is social expectations I impose on myself. I tend to have this nebulous image in my head of a smooth, effective socializer that I sort of implicitly believe is what “most people” are and then I get upset with myself when I can’t live up to that, or I avoid social situations so that I can’t fail to live up to it since I’m not trying.
But this image is unhealthy, it’s unrealistic, and quite honestly, it’s not even what most people are. If I actually look at my observations of how others socialize without the lens of assuming they have some special knowledge or skill that I don’t, they’re kinda all over the place and some of them even make me look more like the smooth image I have by pure contrast of how awkward they are. But ultimately, it’s not healthy to view it as a ranking of skill anyway. Because, and this is important, socializing is not a competition.
Whether most of your problems of comparison and expectations for yourself are socializing or something else, you can apply similar understanding. For example, capitalism tends to get us thinking our competency in the workplace is a ranked system of value. But in practice, it’s not even truly a meritocracy. They just preach like it is to get people clawing over each other for personal gain. In practice, it’s generally wealth and power passed on from rich families to rich families and anybody beyond that is like a lotto player trying to get ahead.
You are not weak. You are struggling, as many struggle. Where communists, where the masses find the most strength is in each other, not from a special potential unlocked from within. You can find ways to try to maximize your potential in different contexts, but that’s still relative to you and your limits and it’s not gonna be a thing that’s the same maximum every day, or even every hour. A person who is sick has a much lower maximum than the same person when they are healthy. Same with a person who is burned out vs. not. Having a disability like ADHD changes what your potential looks like vs. being neurotypical, as well as being medicated ADHD vs. not medicated.
I will reiterate: It’s not a competition and unlearning the idea that’s been shoved into our heads all our lives that it is, is important. They try to make it into a competition, but it’s mostly only an actual competition in the sense of who among the lotto ticket buyers will be the winner. In other words, the forced competition of capitalism is more rigged and random than it is a real ladder that rewards you for being “better.”
You are not your contributions. You are valuable and important beyond that. We have to take that mentality seriously; otherwise, we’d be implying that the most disabled and dependent people aren’t important, you know? You can take pride in what you do when you do it, but if you view your value as hinging on how competent of a revolutionary you are, you’re still spinning on individualist, capitalist thinking. Don’t let capitalism devalue human life. Sometimes it can help put it in perspective to look at how you view others vs. how you view yourself. For example, if you would oppose it devaluing the life of a Palestinian in Gaza, why would you be okay with it devaluing your own life?
Excellent answer.
A further point is that capitalism goes hand in hand with formal equality. Employers expect the same from everyone (except where employees unionise/organise and push back). One factory worker gets the same quota as another. That kind of thing. Employers accept the logic of capitalism being efficient without question. So there’s no challenge against formal ‘equality’ or capitalist ‘efficiency’. In reality both are a load of bollocks.
Communists have another slogan, from each according to their ability, to each according to their need. @[email protected] when it comes to what organised workers or the revolution asks of you, the request/expectation will be very different to what (and how) an employer asks of you. Just because capitalists haven’t yet employed you for mental labour, doesn’t mean that you’re not suited to it. The fact that you can’t get a job in something doesn’t mean you would be bad at it.
Other workers are also far more likely to understand the value and the need for training. If you would improve with physical/intellectual training/education, that can be arranged. That’s one of the reasons unions and revolutionary parties emphasise education among their ranks.
Capitalists don’t want to pay and won’t pay if they can get someone else to do the job who is already trained. Organised workers/revolutionaries see the potential in all workers and will be willing to help you reach yours. You don’t write someone off because they could be fitter or stronger, you ensure they have access to healthy food, clean water, adequate rest, and help them get fitter and stronger.
I have struggled many times to find work. It wasn’t until I read Capital that I understood that it’s not me; capitalism is just designed that way. It’s not you, either!
This isn’t my most coherent comment but hopefully you can see what I’m trying to say!
Great points!